I came across these recently and had not heard them before...
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker to help make ends meet.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you’ve got any questions, I’ll be parked around the corner”.
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars”.
He says, “All I got is thirty.
She says, “Hold on”, and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his pants and out pops a HUGE penis. She stares at it for a second, and then says, “I’ll be right back!”
She runs back to Harry and says, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
